Women within a Women

This article was written 5 years back and i wrote this in some trans state! So don’t expect this article to follow grammar and sentence formation.

My first win is in my race of birth was the award with this life and I landed in the womb which is a closed loop of life where I felt my life is this only. Later when I came out of the room of womb then I realized a lot many things happened around. Everything seemed new and When I came out I realized nothing only people with a different expression which is opposite of mine, when I suffer I don’t know they didn’t have the same expression and then I realized the fact that they are happy and welcoming me into their world. I felt very happy as when I entered womb no one was there with me but now I see many looking at me. I really thanked the womb for sheltering me for many months. Then I realized the fact that god gifted with me the same sex who has kept in her stomach. I really felt grateful as I can shelter someone like I was sheltered. I felt very proud for this great boon of god.

When I grew up everyone welcomed with great affection and I thought love and freedom only exist in this room where I am living. Until I turned to teens life was the same, but when I matured for the first time I felt life is different as the people who enjoyed my freedom seemed the speed breakers as I was given an unusual action to behave which is never known to me. But by friends who are friendly also had unusual behavior. This is the first time I couldn’t feel sweet of life. Extra care of my parents makes me feel they lost faith on me. Then my first attraction of opposite sex has proved something new in my life. I don’t know why it happened. Even I don’t know whether it is correct or not? But I realized of me losing in this attraction and set myself back.

The first time I saw people who loved my freedom started loving my body. It was for the first time I was put into introspection of why the female is looked with body keeping mind? I was shocked as my perception that people loved my freedom has taken advantage of my freedom and love. Then I realized the sensitivity of being loved by heart and by the body. This teenage of life taught a great lesson. But why female life is made to memorize the same lesson in the same manner. My perspective of life seemed perplexed. My life turned too ambitious with all this teaching and started working towards my goal.

In this process I was pushed into a perception that women have treated badly in this society No freedom of thought and action as everywhere ‘NO’ comes more common and answer for this is ‘NO’ you are a woman. This I couldn’t tolerate why my parents itself say no to my freedom. Probably they don’t trust me. This hurt me a lot. I went into an introspection to find the reason for their damming of my freedom. There I found that mistake is not men alone moreover behavior and presentation of women in attire are wrong and many women are running towards their destruction in the name of freedom and enjoyment by comparing with men. Women are no way less than men in all aspects. But here I found if we equal then why we are different in physiological and physical aspect. Then I understood we can’t compare two different entities and each holds its identity and should not try fit both in the same plane. This realization has opened up an angle in my thought process.

As soon as I am done with one assignment in life another new assignment came in the form of marriage. A new person entered my life other than my parents. I really wondered how come parents who doubted my security to send outside lonely were able to send with a person whom they met twice or thrice that too formally! I was just stunned as a man is shown and asked if u like or not to decide with a few minutes looks and few minutes talk? I was tensed if I go wrong with my decision since it is a lifetime jailing of myself. Before I conclude this tension I am married. But my tension still prevailed as my thought is not answered and seemed as if I came on some holiday trip to some one’s house and was feeling to go back to my house as I am not having a homely feeling. But I realized the fact that I need to stay in this surrounding with him lifelong away from my parents this really churned my heart and my tears rolled down. This is point from where I started learning to console myself. The thought of why marriage prevailed more in me. Everything seems to be adjusting so I felt very uncomfortable. I was accompanied by my husband where ever I go I thought am not given freedom. As days passed in many of the things my I was thinking when I have a job to live myself why we require marriage is it to share the burden of life or what exactly? It’s seemed like I was searching answer in vain. As I remained unanswered I started trying to just accept whatever comes in this path.

As time passed I was able to realize the sensitivity in this relationship and why this role of the husband is great when compared to all the others. I share things with my parents, friends, and relatives, but not all information I shared with all. with each relation, I had some set of information to be shared. The thing I shared with parents I couldn’t share with friends and vice versa. With all these, somewhere I had to stop. But he is the one who served all the roles so far I have been served. This gave great realization in my life. I felt completeness in my life and now I started understanding life and its beauty. I am really blessed to get this realization, with which my husband appeared to me as a god, as god is the representation of infinity, which my husband is also playing. He is playing n-number of roles and so appeared to me as god and my better half. This brought a new era in my life. The questions which had been hammering my mind were cleared completely.

Being dipped in this great happiness, I got one more new role, which is a most awaited thing, of course for any woman i.e.., “Mother”. Really I felt very proud, for the reason as that, I am chosen by god to deliver one life onto earth as a part of his process of creation. I was really amazed to imagine how a ball of flesh get morphed into human being with legs, hands, eyes and etc..,

Really all the time till delivery month I was thinking how come it happens and was amazed at the thought which I didn’t understand and the beauty is I am happy for being amazed which in turn is out of lack of understanding. I felt I am foolish for this thought. But I loved this kind of foolishness. my first feeling of mother rolled much when the baby started moving in the stomach … I got thrilled with this great feeling. I went to my mother and slept on her lap and asked my mom did she also feel the same when I was in her stomach. my mother just laughed at me and just tapped on my back… I have sheltered a life in my stomach which is a feeling which cannot be put into words.. ahh I can’t tell this feeling…. my husband really took care of me like baby and by seeing his love I felt it like a training program for me to take care of baby in the same way..

Finally, I was admitted to the hospital for delivery. Huge tension and fear started peeping in regarding baby condition. I was worried what would happen and started praying god to save the baby. Finally, god listened to my Baby agreed to come only when I agreed to bare a lot of pain. The moment for which I and my husband waited came. The baby landed on this earth. I felt really great as I was able to fulfill the task given by god to take care of the baby in my stomach carefully. Everyone started telling u are a MOTHER, hearing this I was very happy.

When my mother came to me, I said mother now I am also a mother like you. Now I and my mother both are mothers. Now I will be called Mother who grew up calling mother. Really my eyes are filled with tears seeing the baby as only after hiding these many days it came out.. The hide and seek game has finally ended and I own. The baby is very small, soo cute. When I was asked to feed my baby. I took the baby to my breast. The first touch of my baby is amazing. My heart is completely filled with a lot of happiness as this is the day which I was waiting for. Today I felt women is self-made like a god. God is really great.. The every sip of milk the baby took from my breast has really shown the greatness of being women…my heart filled with tears of happiness and fed the baby. I was very excited about the fact that I am the energy source for my kid life by giving milk. I felt very divine and felt I am a god to someone. This is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced in my life.

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